Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness. If I knew how to upload a
picture to this stupid computer, I would link the precious thing I found on the
web today. Her name is Cassie, she’s a Rat Terrier, and she must be mine. I LOVE
doggies! We’re talking giddy with excitement here, people. I hope it works out.
If it doesn’t, I just know I’ll die of heart break that that precious little
thing is left in some shelter in Ponca City. She needs me, and I need her. [oh
sigh], doggies.

These blogs. I love the ingenuity, the self-expression, the raw honesty, the
outside-the-boxness. I love this whole little world that I retreat to, sometimes
often, sometimes rarely, and I love that there are stories and fresh thoughts
and fascinating ideas. I love the sarcasm and the wit, the exchange of wisdom,
solicited or not. And by the way, I need a dog. NEED a dog–let’s capitalize on
that. A small one, very smart, that I can take pictures of, and possibly buy a
big pink bag and carry her around whilst I shop at my beloved Neimans. Kidding,
people. I’ve never bought a thing at Neimans. But on the off chance that I
could, I’d like a little dog and a big pink bag to put her in.

Bravenet is telling me I have about 18 returning visitors a day. As a famous
blogger once said, the mind boggles. I can put on paper a good 10 of you (no
need to mention any names, we all know who we are), but pray tell, who are the
rest of you?

* You see a row of girls in rockies, arms linked, complete with roper boots,
perms and mall bangs, line dancing down a hill–drunk and backwards. * The
dancing man in overalls (no shirt) covered in tattoos and hair reminds you
strangley of monkeys in the zoo. * There is at least one baby per blanket group
on the hill. * There are enough confederate flags to make you stop long enough
to question that the south might actually rise again–and perhaps you’re at the
convention where it’s taking place.

I just poured a can of yogurt, some frozen mixed berries, and some orange juice
into my blender and pressed “liquefy”. I could drink this stuff till the cows
come home. Last night I made pico de gallo, my own recipe (that I made up as I
went): onion, tomato, jalepeno, course salt, lime juice. Drew made fajitas. I
mashed some avacados and added some pico for some fabulous guacamole. It was
tasty dinner. I fell asleep at 9:45. I’m supposed to mention that despite the
fact that despite I’m “celebrating my singleness”, that I’m not “really single”.
When Drew pointed this out to me, I asked in return, “well, if I’m not single
and I’m not married, then what am I?” His reply was that I was “taken”. Sounds
sorta bossy, don’t you think? The hardest part about working from home is that I
can’t escape. There is no where I can take a nap without feeling guilty that
someone else is working. I’m hoping I can resolve this issue in my mind, soon–I
pay people to work for me for a reason. I think I’m going to have to put Amanda
on salary, and just tell her to go home when everything is done. My brother in
law stopped by today to pick some stuff up. He made a very good observation by
pointing out that none of the women in my family have much stamina. It’s true.
Try as hard as I might, I get very sluggish in the afternoon. My sister takes
two naps a day, as does my mother. Instead of ignoring this aspect of my person,
I’ve decided to embrace it by closing up shop at 3. And napping. Happy siesta!

Residual Pixel, why? did? you? do it? We were all getting attached, and here you
go and pull your little piece of the world right from under our feet. You’re not
going to quit coming to parties and concerts and bars, right?

I’ve had some awesome conversations with friends lately. My best friend from
college called the other night, and we ended up talking till late. Last night I
went to dinner with Mego, and again–great talks. Then DG and I met for drinks;
great talks. It’s weird that it’s all happened this week. I’ve always kind of
walked on eggshells with my friends. Anger is my nemisis, and it doesn’t take
long to set me off. Poor Amanda sees the rants at least once a day: reps, sales,
people paying us, no money, no time, blah blah blah. It’s amazing how much
energy I waste just venting. I’ve gotten very mad at three special people in my
life over the past two years. One kinda mad, one plain old mad, and one just
flat out really, really angry. All three situations I’ve walked away from. Said
my piece, shrugged my shoulders and left it for them to figure out. One of the
relationships resolved itself, with great rewards. Another of them is sorting
itself out little by little. And the one I’m angry about–well, I’m still
really, really, angry. Hence the forgiveness theme of this here blog recently.
All three situations have needed forgiveness–some of them have been easier to
forgive than others. And since I completely realize that I’m only responsible
for me, and I can’t do anything to make them change, and therefore can only
change myself and the way I see the situation. All three situations have
required me to look at myself and question what I’m doing wrong (and I’ve come
up with some great answers): 1. I’m not very sensitive to what other people are
going through. Usually someone has to hit me over the head with a 2×4 and say,
LOOK! She’s having a tough time. 2. I’m not very self-disciplined. I
procrastinate, eat anything I want, and don’t work out. Can’t be
healthy–physically or emotionally. 3. I vent way too much. So I’ve decided to
do something about it. No more venting (well, except for blog venting, but
that’s a given). I just waste too much time getting frazzled, and not enough
time, say, designing new stuff. Or working on the catalog. Or getting the
September mailer out. No more lack-o-self-discipline. I am beginning to make
tiny changes involving my diet (because I’ll get fat if I don’t–the years are
creeping upon me). I am making to-do lists, prioritizing them, and stopping at a
decent hour instead of rushing to get stuff done all night. I’m going to start
going for walks (let’s not go crazy here and actually suggest I develop a
work-out regimen). And I’ve really made some concerted efforts lately to be more
sensitive to what people are going through; really listening, between the lines.
Asking questions, hearing stories, and asking more questions. It’s amazing. My
sister is going to have a baby soon–and I’ve tried to see her and spend some
time at her house because I know she’ll be swamped and tired later. I’ve had the
privlege of some amazing face time with several friends lately–intelligent,
loving people who have a great perspective on life, why we’re here, and
remaining content. Ultimately, I think that’s what it’s all about. Being content
with little or much or nothing. Just being content. Celebrating the fact that
I’m single, or so&so is married, or my sister is pregnant, and watching my
friends do the same. Celebrating the fact that I don’t have to be mad, I don’t
have to right. Not saying I’m invincible–it still hurts. But the forgiving
thing helps the hurt diminish very quickly.

The one thing I hate more than anything else in this world–that disgusts me,
turns me off and makes me want to say bad words–is infidelity. It makes me want
to call men very, very, very bad names, since they’re normally the ones
wandering off down roads they really should never have even read the street
signs of. I think relationships, and sex, are sacred, and need to be prized as
such, NO MATTER WHAT. I know it’s always a two way street, but I don’t care who
you are, you can learn to put your pride behind you and just suck it up and say,
OK, I’m wrong, let’s work on this. OK, I understand how you feel, what can I do
about it? You know what, you’re right, let’s talk through this. How do you think
I could change? It’s stuff that’s hard to say, and even harder to hear the
answers to, but those are the only questions that get you anywhere in life, I
promise. From one hard headed person here, I can tell you from experience that
it’s not easy, but it keeps you from being green.

Good times, friends. Saturday night was a blast. I was in an atypical mode,
hugging everyone and just being in all around good spirits. It’s fun to let that
girl out every once in awhile. Try as I did, however, I still couldn’t make it
past the 12 o’clock hour. Maybe one of these days I’ll make myself sleep until 7
in the evening so that I can actually be one of those people who can at least
party til 2. Anyway, it was fun, and I can’t wait until the next get together.
Church was interesting the next day. They’ve been doing a series on fear, which
I’m fascinated by, partly because I realize how much it immobilizes me.
Yesterday was on the fear of intimacy, which I think we all struggle with, and
lately I’ve been struggling with even more. I know you have to risk to get
anything out of this life; I guess sometimes it just comes down to sticking your
neck out there in blind faith, and believing that those you love will be there
to catch you if you fall. GULP. We’re officially in the “new office” now.
Everything is pretty much organized. Somebody pick a date for a party, maybe a
night when Tucker Road is playing at WD? And somebody make alcohol
recommendations, since I’m terrible at guessing what people would like, and all
I’ve got on hand at the moment is one large bottle of Skyy.

You would not believe the state of affairs here. I’ve mopped the floors every
day this week, and every day my Dad and Marshall have been tracking plaster dust
back across them. Little by little, however, things are getting set up. As I
type, the internet is working here, thank God, but the computer is a maze of
wires and components scattered across the room. My desk has increased in size, a
good thing, to allow me to clutter it with more crap, a bad thing. And I’m tired
of spending money. I’m tired of it. I want it to stop. I’ve decided to hold off
on rugs and a few other non-necessities, until I can rejuvinate some cash flow.
There’s an issue God’s been working with me on about forgiveness. You know,
being mad is a funny thing. It takes a heck of alot of energy, and lately, I
just haven’t wanted to dedicate the heart and soul it takes to hold a grudge on
someone. Just not worth it, ya know? I still get all riled up about some
stuff–I always will–that’s just me. But it’s so much easier to just choose to
forgive and move along than it is to sit and become bitter and begrudge someone
your friendship for the rest of your life. That’s all folks! I’ll see all at
Ragan’s tonight!